Kids Protest Against 'Unfair' Exploitation by Facebook Parents

[Note: The following is a satirical commentary. Liken it to something you would read in the The Onion.]

Schoolchildren across America are banding together to protest the unauthorized use of their likenesses on Facebook by their parents. They're especially concerned for the rights of their younger siblings who are unable to walk or talk, yet often find their pictures and videos dominating the newsfeeds of people they've never met. The movement is a grass-roots effort from kids who are learning about "taxation without representation" during social studies and realize they are being exploited by their families.

"Last night, my mom caught me riding the family pet in the living room like it was a horse," said tiny Timmy, who is spearheading the faction. "It's bad enough that she photographed me without my consent, but then she posted the shots online for everyone to see." He went on to say that he was embarrassed by the subsequent comments posted by his mother's supposed friends. "One lady said that it was the most adorable thing she'd ever seen," said Timmy, almost in tears. "Another person wrote 'lol' with three exclamation points behind it, which must be some sort of code between adults when they don't have anything worthwhile to say."

Timmy isn't the only one who appears to be suffering psychological damage from the unwanted attention. Little Johnny learned how to quote Joe Pesci's character from Goodfellas during a brief stay at his uncle's house over the weekend. He came home saying things like "I'm funny how? Am I funny like a clown, do I amuse you?" Johnny had the the inflection down so perfectly that his dad videotaped him. "It's almost like I didn't have a choice," said Johnny. "I plan on auditioning for commercials in a few years. What if a casting director sees my impression of Tommy DeVito on Facebook and doesn't like it? That recording will haunt me forever."

Fortunately, stories like these have not fallen on deaf ears. Mark Zuckerberg, fresh off turning another town into a massive database server, says he feels somewhat responsible for the monster he has created, and would like to mitigate the damage. He has proposed a separate Facebook page for overbearing parents. Instead of the newsfeed, it would be called the nosebleed, and users who post more than 30 photos/videos per hour would owe a surcharge. In addition, he wants to include a self-policing feature alongside the "like" button called the "enough already" button, which could be clicked on anonymously.

Zuckerberg said he hoped these measures were implemented before it was too late. "I wish I'd never invented that infernal machine, I mean software," said Zuck. "It's brought nothing but disaster."

Children aren't the only ones affected by their parents' Facebook habits. While there's no hard data, random users report that the influx of media featuring newborns and toddlers is making it increasingly difficult to locate their brother-in-laws' posts regarding the co-dependency of foreign oil markets. One guy, who spoke on the condition of anonymity, said he searched fruitlessly for hours for vacation updates from that dude in high school he may have talked to a couple of times. He finally had to give up, citing fatigue from trying to sift through a cascade of photos of his niece, who discovered her toes for the first time.

So far, the only sector to come out against the protest is grandparents. That's because they have been lobbying for years for an auto-notification feature on Facebook that would tell them every time little Susie farts, burps or poops, and if the proposed changes were made, they said it would be a step in the wrong direction. "What's next," asked one disgruntled grandma. "Are they going to tell us to stop using photos of our grandkids for our profile pictures? Because if that's the case, you can consider me an ex-Facebook user. I'll just go back to storing all 5,000 of my favorite Susie-Q pics on my IPod and carry that around everywhere I go."

Tiny Timmy isn't worried about his detractors, however. All he's concerned about is that his family is going to the petting zoo tomorrow to feed the goats. It should be a joyous occasion for an eight-year-old, but he's secretly dreading it. "Within twenty-four hours, I'll be more fodder for the masses," said Timmy, who just learned those two words in vocab and wanted to use them in a sentence. "I only hope that this protest finds an audience. Only then can true change occur."